How to (Maybe, Possibly) Have Friendlier Disagreements on Social Media

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The last year has been exceptionally ugly in the United States, hasn’t it? A pandemic, the effects of racism coming to a head, conspiracy theories, misinformation, hyper-partisanship, public distrust and civil unrest. Naturally, all this ugliness is reflected—even magnified—in social media. I think many of us have stooped to engaging in not-so-pretty online debates with friends and relatives. I know I have.

And one of these ugly exchanges resulted in someone “unfriending” me.

In many other cases, I’ve disagreed with people, they’ve disagreed with me, and we were able to walk away from our computers and smartphones with no hard feelings.

What can be done to maximize the chance of a friendly social media exchange, versus the “unfriend”ly kind? I’m no expert, but here are some ideas.

Know what the other person’s background is/where they are coming from.

In my unfriended situation, the disagreement was about voter fraud in the November 2020 election. He thought it happened; I didn’t/don’t. (At least not on a large scale. Study after study shows that voter fraud is rare.)

So where was I coming from with my opinion? Well, I’ve worked in elections administration in Wisconsin for more than 15 years. At the town level, I’ve registered voters, issued absentee ballots, tested voting machines, trained poll workers and counted votes. At the county level, I designed ballots, led canvasses, conducted recounts (including the 2016 recount for president), and administered recall elections.

Years ago, I even uncovered an actual case of voter fraud (an elderly couple who voted absentee at one of their Wisconsin residences AND in-person on Election Day at another residence). I know how elections work and what fraud really looks like.

In short: If you’re disagreeing with someone, know what their background is and how that might inform their opinion. Consider that they may know things that you don’t. Also acknowledge that they may have a vested interest in the topic (e.g., it has something to do with their job, as in my case), which could make the subject especially important to them.

Try not to make things personal or take things personally.

When I’m passionate about something (as I am about elections integrity), I can be forceful and unflinching when writing about it. However, I attempt to separate ideas/behaviors from the individual(s) involved. I.e., though I might question someone’s opinion, I try not to attack the person behind that opinion. (Unless they are politicians or other public figures. Then it’s fair game. 😉)

For instance, in the social media posts that got me unfriended, I think what got me in trouble was my declaration that “making claims about voter fraud, without real proof, is irresponsible and dangerous.” (That turned out to be an accurate statement, didn’t it? The storming of the Capitol happened a couple weeks after I wrote those words.)

Notice that I called the behavior irresponsible and dangerous. I did NOT say to those who were making these claims: “You are an irresponsible and dangerous person!” I wasn’t even talking about one person specifically! But, for whatever reason, the person who unfriended me believed that I was making the statement about him.

The point? When you’re online, try not to assume that someone’s words are an attack on you, or that they have singled you out. Also, avoid personal attacks at all costs.

Use hard facts and logic, not hearsay and emotion.

If you know me personally, this advice may seem hypocritical, since, at times, my emotions and moods rule me. It’s one of those hard truths that I’ve had to acknowledge about myself. (If you haven’t done so already, I highly recommend a little work on self-awareness—that is, getting to know yourself objectively, the good and the bad. A lot of our world’s current divisiveness is due to a tremendous lack of self-awareness, in my opinion.) Knowing that I can be overly sensitive, I work really hard to pick my battles, and keep debates based in facts, not feelings.

Because of my background in Wisconsin elections, my opinion (that the election was NOT stolen) was based on my knowledge of election laws, procedures and technologies, and my understanding of the checks and balances governing them. I have found that most people who argue with me about this topic (asserting that the election was stolen) typically base their opinions on the following:

* Hearsay and accusations—with no accompanying proof—often made by highly dubious sources with ulterior motives

* Misinterpretations of election procedure made by people with little or no elections administration knowledge.

* Emotions; i.e., anger/sadness/disappointment that their candidate didn’t win the election.

If we want to have more meaningful and respectful dialogue, we need to keep our conversations based on fact, not emotion.

Be respectful.

I can’t tell you how much of a difference it makes when someone who disagrees with me says things like: “Respectfully, I think this…,” or “I see your point, but…” or “What do you think about this, though?” All the conversations I’ve had with people who framed the topic in this respectful way were productive and positive. We didn’t reach consensus, but it didn’t end in hurt feelings and unfriending.

If you take an accusatory, sarcastic or condescending tone with someone, however, there is NO chance at learning anything from the exchange, and absolutely NO way you’re going to change the other person’s mind. (Read about how our culture of contempt divides us.)

And just as an aside: Don’t use laughing emojis when you disagree with something someone says on social media. This is disrespectful, childish, and just cowardly. If you have something to say, say it. If you can’t articulate it coherently and respectfully, scroll on, and keep your sarcastic and meaningless emojis to yourself.

Be just the tiniest (?!) bit humble.

A study found that most people’s reports of “fraud”—at least in Wisconsin—were based on misinterpretation of election procedures.

They saw something at a polling place that they didn’t understand, so it had to be fraud. Or, they watched a few You Tube videos/read a few articles about how elections work, and deemed themselves qualified to draw accurate conclusions about complex processes. Unless you’ve got the resume to back it up, don’t presume to be an election “expert.” Even with my experience, I recognize that I don’t understand everything, and I realize I have very little understanding about how other states run their elections.

I know, I know … Election administration isn’t rocket science. But the average citizen (or legislator, for that matter) has no concept of how complex elections really are. Complex enough to take up eight chapters in Wisconsin Statutes. Complex enough to fill hundreds of pages in multiple “how-to” election manuals. Complex enough that you can make an entire career out of learning and relearning (when legislators change the rules) laws.

I also don’t claim that elections are run perfectly. Especially with the specter of Covid-19 hanging over everything in 2020, I think some elections administrators made dubious and overreaching judgment calls. Whether this was due to their egos or a misguided desire to help voters, I can’t say.

In Conclusion

I’m not perfect, nor am I claiming to be. There have been cases where I could have been kinder or less passionate on social media—or not commented at all. I think we ALL (me included!!) can work harder to be more respectful in our online dialogue.

And dialogue IS important, because everyone benefits from having their biases and beliefs challenged. I have long recognized that my personal growth is stunted if I only associate with people whose beliefs are just like mine. My social media friends’ list consists of people from the far left, the far right, and every direction in between—and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, take a step back before unfriending people just because they disagree with you, or have inadvertently offended you. If you unfriend those who have different opinions than you, you’re turning your social media page into a sort of manifesto—an echo chamber for your beliefs. This can quickly lead to extremism; not to mention isolation from real-life family and friends. No online disagreement is worth that.